When Love Feels Distant: Caregiving for a Parent Through Unresolved Pain.
Caregiving is often described as an act of love, devotion, or duty. It can be a deeply meaningful, even spiritual experience—when the relationship between caregiver and recipient is rooted in mutual affection and respect. But what happens when you are called to care for a parent you are not close to? Perhaps the relationship has always been strained. Perhaps there are unresolved wounds from childhood—neglect, emotional abandonment, even abuse. And now, life has come full circle. The person who once failed to care for you now depends on your care. The emotional terrain is jagged, confusing, and sometimes agonizing.
A Complicated Calling
There’s a particular kind of grief that comes with caregiving in these circumstances. It's not just the grief of watching a parent or loved one decline; it’s the grief of what never was. You may grieve the nurturing you never received, the words of affirmation you longed for, the safety you lacked, or the bond that never formed. Layered beneath the day-to-day tasks of caregiving are questions that can echo loudly in the quiet hours: Why am I the one doing this? Why didn’t they love me better? Do I owe them this?
These are valid questions. Painful, but valid. They reflect the internal battle between your emotional wounds and your moral compass—between the ache of the past and the call of the present.
The Emotional Whirlwind
It is not unusual for adult children in this position to experience a mix of conflicting emotions: resentment, guilt, duty, anger, compassion, confusion, and even moments of tenderness. You may feel deep compassion one day and searing rage the next. You may offer a cup of water with trembling hands—not from the weight of the glass, but from the weight of the history that accompanies it.
Understanding that these emotions are natural can help you begin to depersonalize them. You are not broken for feeling conflicted. You are human. You are trying to reconcile a difficult past with a present responsibility, all while navigating the demands of caregiving—a job that is challenging even under the best of circumstances.
Why We Still Show Up
Many people in this position continue caregiving not because the past has been forgiven or forgotten, but because they feel a higher calling. Whether that calling is rooted in faith, conscience, or a desire to break generational cycles, the decision to care is a powerful one. From a spiritual perspective, it may feel like obedience to God's commandment to honour your father and mother—even when they did not honour you.
For many, caregiving in this context becomes less about the relationship and more about personal integrity. It becomes an offering—not to the parent necessarily, but to God, to the self, to the moral ideals one chooses to live by. It is a form of love that transcends sentiment. A love that is an act of will, not just emotion.
Managing Pain, Anger, and Resentment
1. Acknowledge Your Truth
Before anything else, give yourself permission to name what is true. If your parent was abusive, neglectful, cold, or self-absorbed, do not minimize that. It does no good to pretend your pain doesn’t exist. Journal your thoughts, talk to a therapist, or confide in a trusted friend. Your story matters, and so does your pain.
2. Set Boundaries That Honor Both of You
You can care without sacrificing your well-being. Boundaries are essential. This might mean hiring help so you're not the only one providing hands-on care. It might mean visiting only during certain hours or arranging respite care when you’re emotionally overwhelmed. Boundaries are not barriers; they are bridges to sustainable caregiving. They allow you to show up with presence instead of resentment.
3. Process the Anger Safely
Anger is not your enemy—it’s a messenger. It often signals unmet needs or unresolved hurt. Rather than suppress it or explode, find constructive outlets. Write unsent letters to your parent expressing everything you wish you could say. Seek therapy or support groups to unpack that anger in a safe, validating environment. Anger needs somewhere to go—let it be a healing journey, not a self-destructive path.
4. Grieve the Parent You Didn’t Have
This is one of the hardest parts—accepting that the parent you longed for may never exist. Caregiving can trigger these losses all over again. Each diaper changed or meal delivered can remind you of how you were not cared for in those same ways. Make space for that grief. It’s not self-pity; it’s mourning. You are grieving an emotional orphanhood, even while being a physical caregiver. That deserves compassion.
5. Reframe the Experience
Reframing does not mean excusing. But it can mean choosing a lens that brings you strength rather than depletion. Consider this: I am not doing this because they earned it; I am doing this because I am choosing to be a person of integrity. I am living my values, not theirs. This can help shift the dynamic from a painful transaction to a meaningful act of self-definition.
6. Lean Into Faith and Spiritual Strength
If you are a person of faith, caregiving can be offered up as a spiritual sacrifice. Not in a martyrdom sense, but in a deeply rooted, God-honoring way. You can say, Lord, I am showing up not because they deserve it, but because You have loved me, and I want to live in Your image. When you cannot find emotional motivation, spiritual motivation can carry you through. Prayer, scripture, and pastoral support can be vital tools in this process.
Daily Practices to Stay Grounded
Start with a Centering Ritual: Before caregiving tasks, take a few moments to breathe, pray, or say an affirmation. “I am choosing to show up today with love and strength, even when it’s hard.”
Use Mantras: When emotions escalate, repeat grounding phrases like “I am not my past,” “I am doing enough,” or “I release what I cannot change.”
Debrief After Visits: After each interaction, journal your thoughts. What came up? What triggered you? What do you need right now? This helps prevent emotional buildup.
Celebrate Small Victories: Even small acts—offering a kind word, preparing a meal, being patient—are victories in this context. Acknowledge them. You are doing something hard and doing it with grace.
Seek Support: Caregiving should not be done in isolation, especially in emotionally fraught situations. Support groups (online or in person), therapy, and pastoral counseling can be lifelines.
The Legacy You Are Creating
Perhaps the most redemptive truth in all of this is that you are not just responding to your parents’ (or loved one’s) decline; you are shaping a legacy. By choosing compassion, even when it’s hard, you are modeling something different for your own children or community. You are breaking cycles, not by denying pain, but by transforming it. You are becoming the kind of caregiver you may never have had.
This legacy doesn’t require reconciliation, although that may happen in some cases. It doesn’t require forgetting the past. It simply requires showing up with integrity and love—however quiet, however strained, however imperfect.
Here’s The ‘Take-Home’ Message…
Caregiving for a parent you are not close to is one of the most emotionally demanding journeys a person can undertake. It demands emotional honesty, spiritual resilience, and deep compassion—not necessarily for the parent, but for yourself. It is okay to hold space for both the pain of the past and the dignity of the present.
You may never hear the apology you deserve. You may never feel the love you longed for. But you are giving something profound: care that costs something. That, too, is love—divine, sacrificial, and deeply powerful.
And in the eyes of God, love that is chosen rather than earned is among the most beautiful kinds there are.